Dearest Gentle Reader, this Saturday brings a mother's sacrifice in the Bahamas, a contract killer lurking in the corridors of the Conservative Party, and the Metropolitan Constabulary investigating its own conduct in the most tangled of royal affairs. If you had hoped the month might close quietly - this Author must advise you to abandon that hope at once.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this day has delivered a fifth prime minister, a minister of shoes who resigned with honour, and a water bill so monstrous it would make even the most phlegmatic householder weep. This Author has opinions on all of it - and on a certain Hollywood wedding attended by handcuffs and an Elvis impersonator.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Monday the Grand Assembly returns from recess bearing documents of extraordinary volume, a court has declared common sense the winner of a £100 million dispute, and a personal trainer has been awarded a small fortune for the crime of an empty chair. There is, besides all this, a whiteboard in Nottingham that this Author cannot shake from her thoughts - and which every person of conscience ought to know about.