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A mother is dead. Let that sentence rest a moment before the rest of this Saturday’s peculiarities press forward, as they insist upon doing.
A 36-year-old British woman from Stapleford in Nottinghamshire gave her life this week attempting to rescue her two sons when a strong current swept them away during a snorkelling excursion near the southern point of Bimini, in the Bahamas. The children were saved. Their mother was not. CPR was administered at the North Bimini Ferry Dock; it was not enough. The Foreign Office has confirmed they are supporting the family. This Author will not dress this in wit. There is none to be found here – only the terrible, ancient arithmetic of a parent’s love.
To affairs of a rather more speculative nature. Chancellor Healey has announced that Wednesday’s Budget will include £100 million for what the government calls a “world first” AI Biosecurity Lab – a grand new institution designed to defend the Kingdom against biological, cyber, and artificial intelligence threats. The Open Intelligence Society and the Thinking Engine Establishment have pledged a further £200 million in AI model credits to support it. This Author is not entirely certain what an AI model credit is, but she is confident it sounds expensive, important, and entirely impossible to explain at a dinner party. The Chancellor assures us that no workers shall be left behind. This Author notes, with a raised eyebrow, that this is precisely what one says immediately before leaving workers behind.
Now, to a matter so tangled in royal proximity and familial estrangement that even this seasoned observer required a second cup of tea to untangle it. The Metropolitan Constabulary has confirmed it is investigating whether its own royal protection unit passed a letter to the Duchess of Sussex in 2018 – a letter allegedly containing deeply disturbing allegations about Thomas Markle, her estranged father, who strenuously denies everything. The Duchess of Sussex has issued a statement confirming she was made aware of these allegations eight years ago. Scotland Yard, with all the urgency one has come to expect of institutions investigating themselves, is now conducting what it describes as “internal inquiries.” Thomas Markle, aged 82, is currently in a rehabilitation centre in Florida following a leg amputation. One can only observe that the Markle family drama has, with extraordinary persistence, declined every invitation to be resolved quietly.
And now the Tories, who must be wondering what they have done to deserve October 2026 quite so comprehensively. An undercover film broadcast this week by Al Jazeera has revealed that one Jack Ross – a former activist who provided social media counsel to Conservative headquarters until earlier this year, and who met Lady Badenoch on several occasions in his capacity as chief executive of Turning Point UK – appears to have offered, on camera, to “broker” the services of contract killers. The options reportedly listed included stabbing, shooting, and killing, which this Author feels covers the essential bases rather thoroughly. Ross maintains his words were not meant to be taken seriously. Lady Badenoch has called them “shocking allegations” and confirmed the individual is no longer a member. His membership has been suspended pending investigation. Ross had also, for the record, met Lord Johnson and Viscount Farage. Of course he had.
Finally, a brief dispatch from the castle battlements, where Celebrity Traitors continues its triumphant march through the nation’s Friday evenings. Miranda Hart – sleuthing, spirited, and entirely convinced that Joanne was the villain – has been murdered in her bed by the traitors, leaving but ten of the original twenty-one players standing. Maya Jama, who has apparently discovered treachery suits her as naturally as a well-cut evening gown, delivered the verdict with characteristic candour: “I feel it in my loins.” James Acaster, previously reluctant, has apparently developed a taste for it. Miranda Hart herself, upon receiving her murder note, cried “No! Absolutely not” – a response this Author finds not only relatable but philosophically admirable. She departed, however, with grace, reflecting that simply being able to wander a Scottish island, laugh, and connect with others had been its own kind of gift. This Author finds she cannot argue with that.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.