Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatch brings royal confessions of torchlight reading, a Northern Province stand-off three decades in the making, and a liberated prisoner whose gratitude to the state is - shall we say - uniquely expressed. There is also a gentleman of the Verdant Society who refuses to depart, and a constabulary official undone by the very technology meant to protect us all. Hover your lorgnette close, for the details are quite extraordinary.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Saturday brings a verdict that shall shake the very foundations of the sporting world, a cabinet feud conducted with the barely concealed glee of a public dressing-down, and news of a £111 million windfall for one very fortunate anonymous soul. This Author has opinions on all of it - and she is not, unlike certain prime ministers, inclined to delay.

Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatches bring a single syllable of foreign policy, a £1.3 billion campaign of lies, and a farming scheme that vanished faster than one's composure at an Oasis ticket sale. This Author also has thoughts on black velvet jackets, pearl earrings, and what it means to inherit a situation - whether one is a prime minister or merely the recipient of a slightly damp umbrella.