Dearest Gentle Reader, the word 'surprised' has never carried quite so much diplomatic freight as it does this Tuesday - and that is before This Author has even addressed the hosepipe bans that persist through the wettest week since February, or the thirteen-year-old who has today exchanged Berkshire for Berkshire, with considerably higher fees. The corridors of power, the emergency wards, and the royal household have all furnished this column with material enough to raise an eyebrow clean off one's face - do read on.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this day brings dispatches from the Himalayan heights, the operating theatres of tomorrow, and the Cotswolds - where a certain Duke and Duchess have rather quietly made themselves at home. There is also a blood-red moon expected before dawn on Friday, which This Author considers either a portent or a coincidence, and declines to say which.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Saturday has delivered grief, absurdity, and a duchess in negotiations for a role that this Author can only describe as divinely well-timed - all before the afternoon sun has properly warmed the Cotswolds. A man pulled from the sea repaid his rescuers in a manner that left three hundred and twenty-nine fellow passengers rather inconvenienced, and the nation's students have made a financial calculation that speaks poorly of someone - though quite who, this Author leaves to your discernment.