Dearest Gentle Reader, the word 'surprised' has never carried quite so much diplomatic freight as it does this Tuesday - and that is before This Author has even addressed the hosepipe bans that persist through the wettest week since February, or the thirteen-year-old who has today exchanged Berkshire for Berkshire, with considerably higher fees. The corridors of power, the emergency wards, and the royal household have all furnished this column with material enough to raise an eyebrow clean off one's face - do read on.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Wednesday brings a helicopter in a Devon field, a puffin seeking elevation of an entirely different sort, and the alarming intelligence that three-quarters of the Kingdom's workers face their dotage on a budget that permits dinner out precisely once a month. This Author has opinions on all of it - and several on the common frog.