Dearest Gentle Reader, this very morning brings word of an audacious shadow industry, a checkout fee that has enraged eighty thousand learner drivers, and a defence secretary dispatching one hundred and twenty thousand drones before luncheon. Whether the Kingdom's affairs are conducted with more ingenuity in its law firms or its corridors of power, This Author leaves entirely to your judgement.

Dearest Gentle Reader, This Author finds herself besieged on all sides this day by whispers of missiles gone astray, a vanished Duchess whom all of America wishes to question under oath, and a governing party that cannot seem to agree upon a single thing whilst the world burns around it. Add to this celestial fireworks and a contagion in Kent, and one begins to wonder whether Saturday itself has taken leave of its senses.

Dearest Gentle Reader, This Author's column today concerns golden handshakes of a most platinum variety, warnings ignored with breathtaking audacity, and a confession from the nation's physicians that will have every employer raising an eyebrow. The fuse, it seems, has been lit - and only a fool would look away before the spark reaches the powder.