Breakfasting this morning, This Author paused over her kedgeree to read of a Bradford solicitor who had devised a scheme so brazen, so magnificently impudent, that one’s toast went quite cold in admiration before the…

Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatch brings royal confessions of torchlight reading, a Northern Province stand-off three decades in the making, and a liberated prisoner whose gratitude to the state is - shall we say - uniquely expressed. There is also a gentleman of the Verdant Society who refuses to depart, and a constabulary official undone by the very technology meant to protect us all. Hover your lorgnette close, for the details are quite extraordinary.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this day has delivered grief most genuine, a royal visit most calamitous, and a bail application so audacious it left seasoned detectives speechless. This Author has survived the heat, the headlines, and the revelation that a letter from a rapper carries less legal weight than one might hope - and she is ready to report every last extraordinary detail.