Dearest Gentle Reader, this Tuesday brings a dispatch so weighted with fire, terror, and sorrow that This Author barely knows whether to reach for her lorgnette or her smelling salts - and she has, upon reflection, reached for both. Counter-terrorism officers have entered the investigation into a most terrible death, nineteen wildfires rage across the Kingdom, and a beach in Hartlepool reminds us what true courage looks like - at the very highest cost. Steel yourself, and read on.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this day has delivered grief most genuine, a royal visit most calamitous, and a bail application so audacious it left seasoned detectives speechless. This Author has survived the heat, the headlines, and the revelation that a letter from a rapper carries less legal weight than one might hope - and she is ready to report every last extraordinary detail.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Wednesday delivers a reckoning from the courts, a poisoned chalice of defence spending passed between prime ministers, and the news that your energy bill has quietly grown more expensive while you slept. There is also, for those who require a restorative note of absurdity, the small matter of major retailers who cannot quite bring themselves to mention that the vehicles they are selling are banned from every road in the Kingdom.