Dearest Gentle Reader, His Majesty the King has been distributing honours with magnificent liberality, North Britain has dissolved into tearful footballing rapture, and somewhere in Kansas City, a thief has made off with England's boots. This Author has opinions on all of it - and a particular view on one shop's attitude towards bacon that she simply cannot keep to herself.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Wednesday brings a high street crackdown long overdue, a safeguarding secret kept for three years in plain sight of the directors' box, and a heron who has, frankly, made a more dramatic entrance to these shores than most members of the ton manage in an entire Season. This Author has barely had time to cool her kedgeree - but then, the news waits for no one, least of all this Author.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Tuesday brings a Kingdom sweating under record-breaking heat, a court in Edinburgh ringing with the sound of a guilty plea most motorhome-shaped, and the nation's finest physicians declaring war on the little glowing screens your children will not put down. This Author has raised both eyebrows and requires a cool compress - do read on.