Dearest Gentle Reader, the Sussexes are coming home - and this is not a drill. Also returning, with rather less fanfare, is British summer, which has apparently remembered it owes us a thunderstorm or forty. If you thought today might pass quietly, This Author has a Titanic ride in Hertfordshire that begs to differ.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this day has delivered grief most genuine, a royal visit most calamitous, and a bail application so audacious it left seasoned detectives speechless. This Author has survived the heat, the headlines, and the revelation that a letter from a rapper carries less legal weight than one might hope - and she is ready to report every last extraordinary detail.

Dearest Gentle Reader, the Bayeux Tapestry has come home after nine centuries abroad - and it is not the only thing returning to these shores under somewhat fraught circumstances this Friday. A duchess un-appears from an itinerary, a political party finds its finances the subject of constabulary interest, and someone is attempting to sell you a fan for seventy pounds. Your devoted observer has been taking notes.