Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatch brings corridors where there ought to be beds, a police commissioner at war with the criminal underworld of stolen telephones, and one very persistent retail magnate who has apparently decided that owning a quarter of Hugo Boss is simply not sufficient. If you had hoped for a quiet Thursday, this Author is afraid the news has other ideas entirely.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Wednesday brings democracy to the doorstep, a Princess bound for Italy, and thirty lorries operating under cover of darkness in the Essex countryside. This Author has questions about all three - and the answers are, as ever, more diverting than one might expect.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Friday has delivered this Author a most unsettling collection of dispatches - terror in the Capital, a fashion magnate's ruinous evening, and a fishy deception of the most literal variety. Whether your appetite is for scandal, justice, or merely a reliable piece of cod, today's column promises to leave you both informed and rather unsettled.