Dearest Gentle Reader, this Friday has delivered this Author a most unsettling collection of dispatches - terror in the Capital, a fashion magnate's ruinous evening, and a fishy deception of the most literal variety. Whether your appetite is for scandal, justice, or merely a reliable piece of cod, today's column promises to leave you both informed and rather unsettled.

Dearest Gentle Reader, This Author finds herself besieged on all sides this day by whispers of missiles gone astray, a vanished Duchess whom all of America wishes to question under oath, and a governing party that cannot seem to agree upon a single thing whilst the world burns around it. Add to this celestial fireworks and a contagion in Kent, and one begins to wonder whether Saturday itself has taken leave of its senses.

Dearest Gentle Reader, This Author finds herself positively overwhelmed this Friday, for a certain gentleman's paid performances have come back to haunt him most spectacularly, a celebrated authoress appears to have misplaced an entire book from her memory, and the hearths of the nation face a most unwelcome price upon their warmth. One simply must read on.