Dearest Gentle Reader, this Friday brings a bitten constable in Norfolk, a World Cup footballer who is apparently shocked - quite shocked - to find himself charged with assault, and a man in Coleraine brought low by a measurement of ten centimetres. This Author has raised both eyebrows and cannot promise to lower them before luncheon.

Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatches bring a stairlift salesman with unusual opinions on oncology, a Conservative leader with unusual opinions on rehabilitation, and a nation's vegetables quietly shrinking in the heat. This Author has raised every available eyebrow - and invites you to do the same.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Monday brings a prime minister who cannot name a date, a heatwave that shows no such indecision, and a seven-year-old Brownie who has, quietly, solved the greatest logistical challenge of modern womanhood. This Author has raised an eyebrow so high it may not return before Wednesday.