Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatch contains a funeral director of quite spectacular cupidity, a Prime Minister already discovering the joys of telling his own Cabinet the word 'no', and a soap actor whose Wednesday evening took a turn not entirely befitting the role of Alfie Moon. This Author's lorgnette has been working rather hard - do read on.

Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatches span forty years of an unresolved mystery, a fourth heatwave that the Kingdom has received with all the surprise of a punctual train, and a television sofa vacated with considerably more grace than this Author had anticipated. Whether it is the heat, the headlines, or the curious vacancy left by a seventeen-year fixture, Tuesday has once again proved itself incapable of dullness - read on, if you dare.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Monday brings a prime minister who cannot name a date, a heatwave that shows no such indecision, and a seven-year-old Brownie who has, quietly, solved the greatest logistical challenge of modern womanhood. This Author has raised an eyebrow so high it may not return before Wednesday.