Dearest Gentle Reader, this Saturday brings a verdict that shall shake the very foundations of the sporting world, a cabinet feud conducted with the barely concealed glee of a public dressing-down, and news of a £111 million windfall for one very fortunate anonymous soul. This Author has opinions on all of it - and she is not, unlike certain prime ministers, inclined to delay.

Dearest Gentle Reader, the Sussexes are homeward bound, the Chancellor's sums do not add up, and the French have taken to slashing dinghies with knives in the name of diplomacy - today's dispatches arrive with the velocity of a runaway carriage and considerably less dignity. This Author has grave intelligence on a top-secret acting role, a brotherly rift that proximity alone cannot mend, and a national day of silence that demands we set the lorgnette aside entirely. Prepare yourself.

Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatches bring cheaper chocolate, a hot microphone that has embarrassed the Cabinet, and a thirteen-year-old prince photographed in a suit with his hands in his pockets - which is either a sign of great composure or a very good tailor. This Author has opinions on all of it, and decorum will restrain only some of them.