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Gentle Reader, this Author was midway through breakfast when the news arrived that a great sporting dynasty had been found guilty of 114 financial rule breaches out of 115 – a score that, in any other context, one might regard as an impressive result. Not so here.
The Blue Citadel of the North has, at last, received a verdict from the independent panel convened to examine allegations of rule-breaking between 2009 and 2018. The club was found guilty of all but one of the 115 counts laid against it. The sanctions remain undecided, the Citadel has declared the process “ongoing” with much “strict confidentiality”, and rival clubs are already consulting lawyers about compensation claims. Relegation? Titles stripped? A strongly worded letter? This Author suspects the legal proceedings alone shall outlast several managers, two kit redesigns, and possibly one monarch. The club says it will appeal. Of course it will.
Meanwhile, over in the corridors of power, the Progressive Assembly prepares to gather in Liverpool for its annual conference, and the festivities have commenced in the traditional fashion: with a cabinet minister publicly undermining a colleague. Lady Rayner, Housing Secretary and perennial thorn in the side of whomever happens to be in charge, has declared herself “concerned” about Lady Mahmood‘s proposals to extend the wait for permanent residency from five years to ten – or fifteen for foreign care workers. She called it “very disruptive” and spoke of “changing the goalposts”. Lady Mahmood has noted she will decide by year’s end. One imagines the conference bar will be a lively venue.
Our Gentle Readership will be gratified to know that the Metropolitan Constabulary and its provincial cousins have found a most enterprising solution to the epidemic of seized electric motorbikes cluttering their evidence yards: sell them at auction. To the public. The Broadcasting Society has uncovered that 161 such vehicles were sold by police forces last year, with a further 54 in 2024 – some potentially returning to the very streets from which they were confiscated. Several forces defended this as putting “money back into policing”, which is one way of describing what appears to be a rather circular economy. One seizes the bike, sells it, it commits another offence, one seizes it again. Efficiency, thy name is modern law enforcement.
Speaking of conferences and those excluded from them: Lord Burnham, who occupies The Prime Minister’s Residence since replacing Lord Starmer in July, has been quite firm on one matter. There shall be no early election. “No election anytime soon,” he declared, adding that he could “knock that dead” – a phrase which will no doubt reassure every nervous backbencher. He also faces the public observation from former business secretary Peter Kyle, recently dispatched from cabinet, that the government needs to act with “more urgency” on growth. Not a criticism, Mr Kyle insists. Simply a pointer. How gracious of him.
And now, a dispatch to lift the spirits: some fortunate soul in this Kingdom matched all five numbers plus two Lucky Star numbers in Friday’s EuroMillions draw and has won £111 million. This marks the third time a Kingdom player has claimed the jackpot this very year, following a £181 million prize in March and a shared £125 million in April. The winner’s identity remains a mystery, the numbers were 11, 12, 15, 38, and 49, and this Author can confirm she holds none of them. Somewhere, a very startled person is staring at a phone notification and questioning the structural integrity of their knees. One hopes they invest wisely. One also hopes they do not purchase a used motorcar from Trade Centre UK, where 34 customers – including a pair of newlyweds who spent their entire wedding gift money on a £7,000 vehicle that lost power on the A30 and rolled backwards on Bodmin Moor – remain locked in battles for refunds a full year later. Romance, as ever this Author has observed, has enough obstacles without adding a faulty gearbox.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.