Dearest Gentle Reader, this Sunday delivers a masked stand-off at the port, a politician who was emphatically not listening to a conversation about half a million pounds, and a railway terminus full of passengers going precisely nowhere - all while the thermometer climbs to midsummer heights in the first week of September. One hardly knows whether to reach for a fan or a lawyer.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Saturday has delivered grief, absurdity, and a duchess in negotiations for a role that this Author can only describe as divinely well-timed - all before the afternoon sun has properly warmed the Cotswolds. A man pulled from the sea repaid his rescuers in a manner that left three hundred and twenty-nine fellow passengers rather inconvenienced, and the nation's students have made a financial calculation that speaks poorly of someone - though quite who, this Author leaves to your discernment.

Dearest Gentle Reader, the Sussexes are homeward bound, the Chancellor's sums do not add up, and the French have taken to slashing dinghies with knives in the name of diplomacy - today's dispatches arrive with the velocity of a runaway carriage and considerably less dignity. This Author has grave intelligence on a top-secret acting role, a brotherly rift that proximity alone cannot mend, and a national day of silence that demands we set the lorgnette aside entirely. Prepare yourself.