Dearest Gentle Reader, today's dispatch contains a funeral director of quite spectacular cupidity, a Prime Minister already discovering the joys of telling his own Cabinet the word 'no', and a soap actor whose Wednesday evening took a turn not entirely befitting the role of Alfie Moon. This Author's lorgnette has been working rather hard - do read on.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Tuesday has delivered a budget shortfall, a political backstab before breakfast, and - most remarkably - a marmoset discovered abandoned on a north-west London omnibus. The new prime minister has not yet had time to find the kettle in his new residence, and already the knives are sharpened and the public finances are looking distinctly fragile. This Author has opinions on all of it, and decorum shall restrain only the mildest of them.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Wednesday brings a government curfew that teenagers may instantly dismantle, a British couple in a Persian gaol whose ordeal grows more shocking by the hour, and a Kingdom so thoroughly baked by the sun that even the scandals feel warm to the touch. This Author has opinions on all of it - some arch, some grave, and at least one barely fit for polite society.