Dearest Gentle Reader, this Tuesday has arrived bearing gifts of the most unwelcome variety - petrol thieves in Porsches, a beloved Queen remembered on what would have been her centenary, and news from the forecourts that would make even the most composed among us grip their reticule rather tightly. This Author has witnessed much, but today's dispatches have truly tested the nerves.

Dearest Gentle Reader, this Sunday brings a prime minister in desperate need of better advisers, a community in desperate need of protection, and a life jacket that has, against all odds, appreciated in value over the past century. This Author has opinions on all three - and a raised eyebrow firmly in reserve for those who claim ignorance most loudly.

Dearest Gentle Reader, Storm Dave has made a thorough nuisance of himself across the Kingdom on this Easter Sunday, yet the weather is the least of our concerns - for a certain American provocateur threatens to descend upon the Capital this summer, and the corridors of power are distinctly unamused. Meanwhile, the Royal Family has braved the elements for chapel, a new Archbishop has delivered her first sermon, and the comedy industry has begged the government for money, which is, one must admit, the most British thing imaginable.