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Dearest Gentle Reader,
A body found at sea. A stairlift salesman peddling livestock medicine as a cure for cancer. A convicted antisemite selected to stand for public office. And somewhere in the Thames Valley, a police chief sharpening his legal quill. This Author had, briefly, considered spending Wednesday in quiet contemplation. The news had other intentions.
We begin with a matter of honour, and the conspicuous absence of it. Thames Valley Constabulary‘s chief constable has announced he will consider joining legal action to block the early release of two men convicted of killing PC Harper, the officer dragged to his death by a car fleeing a quad bike theft in Berkshire in 2019. Those two passengers, sentenced to thirteen years for manslaughter, may walk free having served half that time – because the early release scheme excludes murderers, but not, at present, those who merely take a life by other means. The distinction, one suspects, will be of little comfort to Lady Harper, whose tireless campaigning after her husband’s death already moved the Grand Assembly to act once. It appears she may be required to move it again.
From one legal controversy to another, and this one carries rather more absurdity. Lady Badenoch, leader of the Conservative persuasion, has defended the selection of one Joshua Bonehill-Paine – a gentleman who was jailed for posting antisemitic material and subsequently convicted of racially harassing a sitting Member of the Grand Assembly – as a candidate for a seat on Somerset Council. Lady Badenoch’s reasoning: his crimes were “appalling”, but he has been rehabilitated and is now, she assures us, “part of the fight against antisemitism.” A man who once performed a Nazi salute to his supporters in the public gallery is, apparently, just the fellow one needs on a local council. Jewish groups have declined the invitation to meet him. This Author finds their instincts sound.
The victim of his harassment, now ennobled as Baroness Berger, told the Broadcasting Society that Bonehill-Paine showed “no contrition” throughout his trial, and has called for a bar on such individuals standing for public office. This Author considers that a reasonable minimum. The Tories, evidently, consider it optional.
Now, Gentle Reader, to the most extraordinary commercial enterprise this column has encountered in some considerable time. A stairlift salesman in south Wales – a profession not previously associated with oncology – has been found to be supplying animal dewormer and a scabies remedy to cancer patients, promoting them as unproven treatments. The Broadcasting Society‘s undercover journalist procured fenbendazole and ivermectin for the sum of one hundred pounds. One hundred pounds. For livestock medicine. Sold by a man who had called upon a family to discuss stair mobility and pivoted, mid-visit, to brain tumour cures. the Grand Online Emporium was also found to be offering the products, and removed them promptly upon being contacted. Senior doctors warn the drugs could harm patients or delay proper treatment. This Author urges the Gentle Readership to consult their physician – and not, under any circumstances, their stairlift vendor.
On the matter of the weather, the Meteorological Office reports that temperatures will fall briefly before – brace yourselves – a potential sixth heatwave threatens to arrive as early as next week. Tuesday marked the Kingdom’s thirty-fourth day of temperatures reaching thirty degrees or above in a single calendar year, equalling a record set in 1995. That record, forecasters suggest, will very likely be broken. The Southern Kingdom’s summers are now apparently competitive sporting events, with history broken at regular intervals. Thunderstorms are expected in parts of North Britain this very afternoon, with gales possible on some hills and coasts. A brief reprieve, then, before the furnace is restoked. This Author recommends the fan, the muslin curtain, and a cold compress applied to one’s expectations.
The heat, it transpires, has not merely frayed tempers but shrunk vegetables. Farmers warn that this year’s harvest may be the worst on record, following the driest July since measurements began one hundred and ninety years ago. The cereal and oilseed harvest is estimated at just 19.5 million tonnes – the worst since records began in 1984, and some 2.5 million tonnes below earlier forecasts. The consequence for the discerning shopper: smaller produce sold at the same price, a phenomenon known as shrinkflation. One’s courgette, Gentle Reader, is set to diminish. One’s bill will not. The Farmers’ Guild has been warning of this for some time, and the supermarkets will, apparently, “do everything” to hold prices steady – right up to the moment they do not. Wednesday has delivered, among its many gifts, the prospect of paying full price for half a parsnip.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.