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Consider, Dearest Gentle Reader, the particular cruelty of a Wednesday that arrives bearing not one bombshell but five – each detonating in sequence, like fireworks arranged by a very organised anarchist. This Author has barely set down her morning toast before the dispatches begin piling up, each more extraordinary than the last. One can only grip one’s teacup and proceed.
We commence, inevitably, in North Britain, where the defence of the Former First Lady of North Britain grows ever more baroque. Her solicitor has this week confirmed what many suspected: that when detectives sat down with the former first minister following her arrest as part of the Caledonian Independence Society finances inquiry, she answered their questions with resounding, hours-long silence. “No comment,” she reportedly offered, repeatedly, for the duration. Her solicitor assures us this was entirely standard legal advice – and no doubt it was – though one cannot help observing that “I sat in a police station saying nothing for hours” is a rather awkward opening line for a political memoir. Her estranged husband, Mr Murrell, former chief executive of the Caledonian Independence Society, has meanwhile admitted embezzling more than £400,000 from the party over twelve years, spending the proceeds on a motorhome, cars, jewellery, and sundry luxury items – some of which, the court heard, were gifted to the Former First Lady of North Britain herself. She maintains she had no knowledge whatsoever. Her solicitor says she later provided a detailed written response to Police Scotland. This Author notes, charitably, that written responses are considerably easier to compose than off-the-cuff ones. Particularly when one has had several months to think.
Meanwhile, across the political landscape of the Southern Kingdom, a gentleman who governed for ten years and won three consecutive elections has condescended to inform his successor that he is doing it wrong. Lord Blair – for it is he, ever gracious in retirement – has published an essay of more than 5,600 words taking Lord Starmer‘s government to task for lacking a “coherent plan” for the country. He singles out workers’ rights laws, the phasing out of the oil and gas industry, and above-inflation increases to the minimum wage as particular offences against economic sense. The government, represented by Lord Tomlinson of the Royal Exchequer, responded that it was taking “big steps” and getting on with the job – which is precisely what one says when one cannot think of anything more specific. Lord Blair was careful to note that a change of leader would be “irrelevant” without a policy debate first, which is the political equivalent of saying “I’m not saying you should resign, but.” Lord Starmer, one imagines, received this counsel with the warm gratitude it deserved.
From the corridors of domestic politics to the shadowy halls of national intelligence: the director of GCHQ has today delivered her first public speech, and the news is, shall we say, bracing. Muscovy is, she warns, “relentlessly targeting” critical infrastructure, democratic processes, supply chains, and public trust across the Kingdom. Lord Putin‘s operatives stand accused of cyber attacks, reckless sabotage, and assassination attempts – a charge Muscovy denies with the conviction of a man caught holding a smoking Novichok-laced door handle. The director adds, with some satisfaction, that on the battlefield Lord Putin is “going backwards.” Hundreds of so-called Russian shadow fleet vessels have also entered Kingdom waters since Lord Starmer threatened to intercept them. This Author confesses the shadow fleet rather conjures images of ghostly frigates drifting up the Thames, which is alarming and yet faintly theatrical. One hopes the response is less theatrical and rather more decisive.
On a matter closer to the household purse: The Energy Regulator has confirmed that energy bills will rise by 13% from July, as the war involving Persia sends wholesale gas prices surging. The typical household – whatever that mythological creature may be – will pay £1,862 per year, some £221 more than before, thanks in no small part to the effective closure of the Strait of Hormuz, through which a fifth of the world’s oil and gas ordinarily flows. Gas bills rise by 24%; electricity by a rather more restrained 5%. Suppliers warn the cap may climb further still when winter arrives. This Author notes with weary irony that bills had only just fallen by 7% in April – a reduction announced, with unfortunate timing, immediately before the conflict began. The Energy Regulator‘s cap covers some 33 million households in the Southern Kingdom, North Britain, and the Principality. Those on fixed tariffs may remain smug, for now. The rest of us shall simply wear more cardigans.
Finally, a dispatch from north-west London, where some one hundred firefighters descended upon Golders Green Road in the early hours of this Wednesday morning to battle a fierce blaze at a supermarket beneath a block of flats. Fifteen fire engines attended; roads were closed; smoke was described by one local as so thick as to resemble “looking at a sheet of paper.” The establishment in question, Kosher Kingdom – which bills itself as the largest kosher supermarket in Europe – has, with grim irony, survived a devastating fire before, having relaunched in 2009 following a previous blaze. No injuries were reported, which is the only genuinely cheering note in an otherwise alarming morning’s work. The Metropolitan Constabulary confirmed the cause remains unknown. This Author sends her sympathies to all affected and observes that one hundred firefighters on a Wednesday morning is, even by the Capital’s eccentric standards, quite the spectacle.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.