Skip to content
Dearest Gentle Reader,
Fifty-nine pence. That is what seven months of war in the Middle East has added to every litre of diesel purchased by the good people of this Kingdom. Not a tax, not a stealth levy, not a policy error one might lay at the feet of Lady Reeves or Lord Kwarteng – simply the unadorned arithmetic of conflict, landing squarely upon the family motorist filling up an entirely ordinary saloon car on an entirely ordinary Monday morning. The RAC now reports that diesel has struck an all-time record of 199.18p per litre, well past the previous record set in June 2022, and that the cost of a full tank now stands at £110. This Author notes, with the kind of grim satisfaction available only to those who do not drive, that petrol is also up by 41p per litre since Lord Trump opened hostilities with Persia. Brent crude hovers at $108 per barrel. One supposes this is what “unwavering resolve” costs at the pumps.
And speaking of unwavering resolve and Persia, the Kingdom’s nerves were considerably tested near RAF Fairford in Gloucestershire on Sunday, when five men were arrested following reports of suspicious vehicles driving towards the base. Counter-terrorism officers were deployed in force. The airbase, one should know, is no ordinary installation: its runway is so extraordinarily long it once served as an emergency landing strip for the American space shuttle programme. It is now the sole Continental launchpad available to Lord Trump‘s vast bomber fleet, which has been striking Persia throughout this conflict. In July, Persia‘s foreign ministry issued what was widely interpreted as an explicit threat to any party participating in military operations against Tehran. Lord Miliband, in his capacity as foreign secretary, met his Persian counterpart at the Assembly of World Sovereigns last week and spoke of the Kingdom’s “unwavering resolve” against hostile activity on British soil. Whether Sunday’s arrests represent vindication of that vigilance, or merely a very alarming rehearsal for something worse, remains – most inconveniently – unknown.
From the alarming to the brazen: the Broadcasting Society’s Panorama programme has this evening revealed that thousands upon thousands of vehicles on the roads of this Kingdom carry what are termed “ghost plates” – registration numbers engineered to confuse the very cameras designed to catch criminals, enforce speed limits, and police low-emission zones. The Kingdom boasts fourteen thousand number plate recognition camera sites, capturing one hundred million plates each day, and a considerable portion of villainy is apparently sailing clean through them, rendered invisible by a particularly clever piece of plastic. One formerly trusted government advisor informs us such plates are “far too easy” to acquire without so much as a background check. This Author wonders, mildly, what exactly one hundred million daily photographs are achieving if a determined motorist with thirty pounds and an afternoon to spare may circumvent the entire apparatus.
On to matters rather more uplifting. Bodhana Sivanandan of Harrow, aged eleven years, has become the youngest player in history to earn the Woman Grandmaster title in chess – confirmed by the International Chess Federation at the 46th Chess Olympiad in Samarkand. She represented the Southern Kingdom on the top board for all eleven rounds, accumulating eight points, and has already claimed the titles of Britain’s youngest women’s chess champion and youngest person to represent England internationally in any sport whatsoever. She is, in short, doing at eleven what most of us have not managed at any age. When asked about her achievement, she declared she was happy but wished to “keep making history” rather than stopping. This Author very much approves of the sentiment and only hopes the rest of us may have the good grace not to get in her way.
Finally, Lord Burnham has arrived upon the national stage bearing the gift of a grand vision: an National Health Society-style system of social care for the Southern Kingdom, in which “everyone contributes, everyone is covered.” He has promised to share the details on Tuesday and to put the plan before voters at the next general election – not due until August 2029. This Author notes, with a raised eyebrow she barely troubles to lower, that Sir Andrew Dilnot, who led a commission on this very subject fifteen years ago, has already observed that such a scheme “is now further away” and could take decades to implement. Lord Jones, a Progressive Assembly minister, helpfully volunteered this Monday morning that scrapping the pensions triple lock might be “an option the government should consider” to fund the endeavour – a suggestion that will have thrilled the retired readership enormously. The month draws near its close, Lord Burnham‘s vision remains pleasantly vague, and the country’s ageing population waits, with admirable patience, for someone to explain who precisely shall be paying for all of this.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.