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To those among the Gentle Readership who had hoped this Sunday might pass in tranquil ignorance: This Author regrets to inform you that it shall not. The news has arrived in force, and it has brought company.
We begin at the Port of Dover, where yesterday morning, hundreds of masked gentlemen – if one may stretch the word – descended upon the port chanting “stop the boats” and rather effectively stopping everything else besides. Roads were blocked, tailbacks stretched for miles, and travellers found themselves stranded while this “exceptionally well organised” demonstration ran from seven in the morning until nearly half-past eleven. Mr Mills of Dover District Council told the Broadcasting Society that multiple agencies were “caught on the hoof,” and that the Kent Constabulary appeared “quite slow” to restore order. Cabinet minister Lord Reynolds countered that officers dealt with the matter “swiftly.” One of these assessments, Gentle Reader, is supported by the evidence of four and a half hours of gridlock. This Author shall leave you to determine which.
From Dover, we travel to the rather more cushioned setting of a party conference, where Viscount Farage of the Reform Society has been called upon to explain footage of his former associates apparently discussing how to channel five hundred thousand pounds from an American donor through the donor’s conveniently UK-based son. Viscount Farage’s defence is, one must admit, a masterpiece of its kind: “I frankly wasn’t even listening.” He was, he assures us, terribly busy canvassing in Clacton. The undercover film, produced by Verbatim Investigations and Channel 4, has since cost his former chief of staff and head of policy their positions. Viscount Farage further disclosed that his own family are “begging” him to leave his post. Between a foreign-money scandal, two sacked lieutenants, and a mutinous household, one wonders what a bad week might look like by comparison.
Meanwhile, the Meteorological Office announces that September has not yet finished with its impersonation of July. Temperatures this very Sunday may reach 28 degrees Celsius across the south-east of the Southern Kingdom, drawn northward by a southerly wind scooping hot, humid air from a continent where Spain achieved a positively volcanic 45.7 degrees on Thursday. The Southern Kingdom and the Principality bask; North Britain, with characteristic dramatic timing, receives heavy rain and gusts of up to 45 miles per hour instead. The Union contains multitudes, and this Sunday it contains both a heatwave and a gale, depending on one’s latitude. Parched grass persists across two thirds of the Southern Kingdom, drought conditions still clinging on despite the calendar’s insistence that summer has concluded its engagement.
The Prince of Wales will travel to Oslo on Wednesday to represent His Majesty the King at the funeral of King Harald V of Norway, a figure described by all who knew him as a “people’s king” who modernised his nation, married a commoner, and served his country for thirty-five years before departing this world at the age of eighty-nine. The Palace confirms that Princess Anne will also attend, in a personal capacity, she being godmother to the new King Haakon VIII. His Majesty himself will not attend, per the long-standing convention that a reigning monarch does not go to the funeral of another head of state – a protocol that spares one considerable logistical complexity, if rather less personal feeling. Thousands have already queued at the Royal Palace chapel in Oslo to pay their respects. The Prince of Wales will join them on Wednesday for what promises to be a most solemn and fitting farewell.
Finally, a tale of fire, frustration, and the eternal British talent for stranding oneself at a railway terminus. On Saturday afternoon, a trackside grass fire near Scrubs Lane in North Kensington severed the electricity supply to the line between Paddington Grand Terminus and Heathrow, halting all Elizabeth line and Heathrow Express services in their tracks – not metaphorically, but quite literally. Six fire engines and some forty crew members were deployed. Departure boards at Paddington went blank, crowds of stranded passengers accumulated, and the National Rail Works Commission issued the customary solemn warnings about potential delays persisting into Sunday morning. This was, it should be noted, also the day Heathrow‘s southern runway was closed for a separate grass fire on the airfield, diverting at least two flights. This Author notes, with a raised eyebrow, that this is the second grass fire near Heathrow‘s southern runway in a matter of weeks. One begins to wonder whether the airport might consider watering its lawn.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.