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Dearest Gentle Reader,
This Author confesses to a certain weariness with the world this Thursday – not of the languid, drawing-room variety, but the brisk, indignant sort that arrives when one surveys the morning’s dispatches and finds Muscovite fighter pilots playing a game of aerial tag with unarmed RAF aircraft, ambitious former ministers announcing their leadership ambitions over podcast, and free omnibuses being proposed as though this were a radical act of revolutionary generosity. One hardly knows where to place one’s lorgnette first.
We shall begin in the skies above the Black Sea, where Muscovite warplanes have been conducting what this Author can only describe as the most reckless game of chicken since Lord Trump dined with his own ego. Two Muscovite jets – a Su-35 and a Su-27 – “repeatedly and dangerously” intercepted an unarmed RAF Rivet Joint surveillance aircraft last month. The Su-35 approached close enough to trigger the plane’s emergency systems and disable its autopilot, while the Su-27 made six passes within six metres of the aircraft’s nose. Six metres, Gentle Reader. That is approximately the distance between Lady Reeves and sound fiscal policy, and both are equally alarming in proximity. Lord Healey, the Defence Secretary, praised the crew’s “outstanding professionalism” while declaring the behaviour “unacceptable” – which is the diplomatic equivalent of saying one’s dinner guest set the tablecloth alight and one graciously did not mention it until pudding.
Meanwhile, in the corridors of power, Lady Reeves has announced with considerable fanfare that children aged five to fifteen shall ride omnibuses for free across the Southern Kingdom this August – a £100 million scheme designed to ease the cost-of-living burden. Tariffs on biscuits, chocolate, and dried fruit shall also be suspended, which this Author suspects will do rather more for the nation’s waistline than its wallet. The chief executive of Marks & Spencers’ Grand Emporium described the voluntary price-cutting proposal as “completely preposterous”, which is the most honest thing a tradesman has said in public since the invention of the receipt. Sir Stride, shadow chancellor, offered the grudging acknowledgement that getting prices down is “a good thing” – high praise indeed from the Opposition benches.
And so to the day’s most operatic performance: Lord Streeting, former Health Secretary, has declared his intention to challenge Lord Starmer for leadership of the Progressive Assembly, proposing a “wealth tax that works” via equalising capital gains tax with income tax – a measure he estimates will raise £12 billion a year. He has, charmingly, already informed Lord Starmer of his intentions in person at the Prime Minister’s Residence, which is either admirable candour or the political equivalent of announcing one’s coup at the host’s own dinner table. He would need the support of 81 Progressive Assembly MPs to trigger a formal contest – and Lord Burnham of Manchester lurks in the wings, having secured a parliamentary seat via the convenient resignation of Lord Simons. The drama, Gentle Reader, is only just warming up.
On a matter altogether more domestic, The Office of Communications has declared that the Dancing Lantern and the Moving Picture House are “not safe enough” for children, their content feeds serving up dubious material to young minds with the indiscriminate enthusiasm of an unsupervised governess. the Portrait Gallery’s parent company, Snap, and the Children’s Gaming Pavilion have at least agreed to stronger anti-grooming measures, earning themselves a modest gold star. The Dancing Lantern, for its part, called the findings “very disappointing” – a phrase that applies equally to their platform’s effect on the attention spans of the young. This Author notes that the government’s consultation on banning digital salons for under-sixteens draws to a close shortly, and suspects the outcome will satisfy nobody completely, which is the hallmark of all truly British governance.
Finally, a cautionary tale for those possessed of a spirit of Highland adventure and an excess of optimism regarding portable water filters. Two walkers on the West Highland Way – one German, one American – have been rescued after drinking from a burn near Conic Hill and spending the night in a state of considerable gastric misery. Both had used straw-type filter systems; both were entirely undone by what the Lomond Mountain Rescue team delicately attributes to livestock, agricultural land, and the regrettable habits of fellow walkers in respect of human waste disposal. The lesson, Gentle Reader, is this: North Britain is magnificent, but its streams are not a refreshment stand. One brings bottled water. One always brings bottled water.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.