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Breakfast had barely been disturbed when the dispatches arrived bearing a number so delicious this Author nearly choked upon her kedgeree: thirty thousand. Thirty thousand emails, Gentle Reader, delivered to the Palace in the year 2020, concerning the financial adventures of one Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor – and yet, apparently, nobody felt the moment quite right to act upon them. The Thames Valley Constabulary has only now issued a fresh appeal for information, following Mr Mountbatten-Windsor‘s arrest on suspicion of misconduct in public office. Six years, Gentle Reader. Six years those emails sat, presumably gathering metaphorical dust beside the silver polish and the forgotten invitations. The Palace, when pressed, offered only that an “ongoing police enquiry” prevents comment – which is, one supposes, the very grandest of non-answers.
Among those thirty thousand dispatches were emails showing Mr Mountbatten-Windsor had requested a confidential briefing from Royal Exchequer officials in 2010, then forwarded it to a personal business contact with the charming instruction to act “before you make your move.” A trade envoy sharing state intelligence with private acquaintances for personal advantage – one hardly knows whether to reach for a lawyer or a librettist. This story, this Author suggests, has several further acts remaining.
From palace intrigue to a triumph of science that deserves every celebration the Kingdom can muster. Researchers led by University College London have discovered that more than two-thirds of breast cancer patients could safely forgo chemotherapy entirely – spared its considerable miseries of fatigue, nausea, and hair loss – thanks to a DNA test called Prosigna, which measures the activity of fifty genes to calculate the risk of a cancer’s return. A study of more than four thousand patients across the Kingdom, Norway, Sweden, Australia, New Zealand, and Thailand found that those who avoided chemotherapy on the test’s guidance achieved a five-year survival rate of 93.7%, compared with 94.9% among those who received it. The National Health Society alone could spare more than five thousand patients a year from the treatment. One Cardiff participant described the news as feeling “like Christmas” – and this Author, for once entirely without irony, agrees.
Now to a matter where this Author’s wit must be measured and her pen careful. The Attorney General Lord Hermer has declared he had “no doubt” in referring to the Court of Appeal the sentences handed to three boys convicted of raping two girls in Fordingbridge, Hampshire – attacks committed in November 2024 and January 2025, when the victims were aged fifteen and fourteen. Judge Rowland, presiding at Southampton Crown Court, granted the boys – aged thirteen and fourteen at the time – youth rehabilitation orders rather than custodial sentences, citing a wish to avoid “criminalising” the very young and to “support their reintegration into society.” He praised their conduct during trial. One of the victims told the Broadcasting Society that receiving such a sentence felt like “a rock in my face.”
The Sentencing Council does indeed direct courts to prioritise rehabilitation for children and treat custody as a last resort – a principle with genuine merit in countless cases. Whether it was rightly applied here is now, properly, a matter for the Court of Appeal. Lord Hermer said he read the victims’ statements himself, and that their bravery in enduring a trial only to face such uncertainty deserved resolution as swiftly as possible. This Author offers no smirk here – only the observation that justice must be felt as well as calculated, and that for two young women, the calculation has not yet settled.
On to lighter, if considerably more aggravating, matters. The Kingdom‘s holidaymakers, already braced for the peculiar indignities of summer travel, have been advised by the head of budget carrier Wizz Air that they ought to arrive at European airports a full three hours before their homeward flights – this, owing to the new Entry Exit System which requires non-Continental Alliance travellers to register their fingerprints upon both arrival and departure. Long queues at Spain, Portugal, and France have seen passengers miss flights entirely. Greece, in a gesture of pragmatic hospitality, has effectively suspended biometric checks for British citizens. The European Commission reports the system is working well at “almost all border crossing points,” which is precisely the sort of remark one makes when one has never personally queued for ninety minutes in Malaga whilst clutching a melting ice cream. The advice to pack a portable charger and water is, this Author must say, the most exciting innovation in travel guidance since someone recommended sensible shoes.
Finally, to the glorious theatre of sport – for this Saturday brings the Champions League final between Arsenal and Paris Saint-Germain, the first such occasion in the London club’s history. This Author confesses to no particular expertise in football’s tactical mysteries, but can report that Arsenal possess the finest defensive record in the competition with nine clean sheets, while their Parisian opponents boast forty-four goals scored. The best defence against the most prodigious attack: it is, in essence, a society ball where one side has brought impeccable manners and the other has brought fireworks. The use of midfielder Mikel Merino as a makeshift striker against these very opponents last season drew sufficient admiration that it may be deployed again. Whether cunning geometry or sheer Gallic exuberance shall prevail, this Author cannot say – but she notes that the match kicks off at five o’clock, which gives the entire Kingdom ample time to take up positions, quarrel about formations, and pretend they understood the offside rule all along.
I am, as ever, your most devoted observer – Lady Whistledown.